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Why am I so motivated by jealousy?
Like, when I see that a writer who took part in a showcase thing I did is having a short piece put on, I immediately do a trawl of everywhere I can think of to start getting some scripts sent out. I mean, it's great that it gives me a kick up the arse, but is that really what it takes? Am I really so uncharitable? (Yes, yes I am. It doesn't help, of course, that she wrote a very beautiful piece that was quite frankly better than mine.)
What on earth is going on in my head?
The last script I've written is weird and a bit dark. I re-read it last night and there was a point I just had to stop. It was TOO STRANGE. All this stuff comes straight out of my head, scarily enough.
It's a bit terrifying when I write things I had no idea I thought. I discovered a deep-seated aversion to homeopaths in one of the first things I ever wrote. I never even thought I had an opinion on the matter. I'm going to hope it's a good thing that this stuff comes out.
Why do I need constant praise and validation?
And this being the case, why do I persist in writing scripts, which have approximately a 97 per cent rejection rate?
How do I tell some bloke off the internet I don't want to see him again?
I find it deeply unnerving when people go all keen on me. And I have no idea how to tell them that I find them completely, irredemably unattractive. Not because they're horrible. Just because. God I'm rubbish at this.
Feel free to provide answers to any of the above.
3 comments:
Gore Vidal said something like, 'Every time I hear of the success of a friend something inside me dies.'
Every writer knows that feeling - the sense that the sun is shining in someone else's backyard but not yours.
Regarding the last point - you are not alone. I endured 2 hours with some awful man with the most vile teeth. I have no idea why I didn't just walk out after one drink! He tried for a kiss but managed to dodge and after all of that I still gave him a lift home. He pursued for a while but I had to say in the end that I just didn't feel we clicked. And then I said I met someone else. And then I had to ignore him...
I think I need to let go of the idea that one day I'm going to be all zen and accepting of the fact that other people are more successful than me. I just need to learn to live with the envy. And also get much better at writing.
Dating wise: one day I will have a date where I like someone and they like me back. Until then, it will continue to be some kind of awful mismatch, in one direction or another. And I will console myself with the thought that I write some really amazing scenes based on crap dates.
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